Ambition

Definition of AMBITION

1

a : an ardent desire for rank, fame, or powerb : desire to achieve a particular end

As a college student, preparing to take on the world, i am constantly bombarded with adults asking me what im gonna do for a living, where i want to go in life, what my plan is for the future. And all i ever have to say to them, every single time, multiple times to the same people, is I DONT KNOW. 

I dont know what i wanna be. i dont know where i wanna go. i dont know how im gonna get there. i dont know, i dont know IDONTKNOW! 

And its frustrating! its killing me. im not one to plan things out, i usually like to go with the flow. but with big plans, like the impending future, i like to have a plan, to know what to expect. its kind of a big deal, knowing what your purpose to life is. so i like to be prepared. and im not. so im kinda terrified. 

I went into college with the intent to go into Nursing. i have done an internship at Mercy Regional Medical Center's Family unit, and i loved it, and i mostly worked with the nursing staff, so thats really what made my mind up. and i was all gung ho about the whole thing. i made a plan to fulfill my goal. get straight a's. go to class every day. talk to the advisor about applying to the program. i was focused. and no one could get me off track.

 and then about the end of second semester, that went all down the tubes. i just decided i didnt really think i could do it. so i gave up. i tried making other plans for my purpose in life. 

and then about 3 weeks after school got out, i decided i was goin for Nursing again. and i made another plan. get all the prereq's done. get my gpa up. get back on the horse. and i was excited!

and now, you probably guessed it, im not sure again. AGAIN. its driving me insane. im lost, and going in circles. 

so the next time someone asks me what i wanna do with my life, im gonna tell them this. 

I want to be an artist, an architect, an art curator, a nurse, a MOM (always and foremost), a cosmetician, a designer, a chef, an interior designer, a professional food taster, a cake decorator, owner of a restaurant...or a bakery.....or maybe a coffee shop, turned into a hot chocolate shop.... 

Maybe i should look at this indecision and insecurity as a blessing. a gift of sorts. i know that i want to do something great, and i know that i wont settle for anything that i wont love. so i have the ambition, the drive to get it done. its just that i dont know where to aim it. 

so the blessing is that i could take it all, and do whatever i want with it. WHATEVER  i want.  

i could go to europe, blow all my money, and get stuck there figuring out my life. that would be a beautiful place to be a mess in....