Optimism

op·ti·mism

1

: a doctrine that this world is the best possible world

That has to be the most beautiful definition i think ive ever read. a doctrine that this world is the best possible world. Thats enough to give hope to anyone. 

My whole life, no matter when im down, or looking at things in a positive light, i've always had the motto that everything can be seen as a blessing. every event can be learned from. there's sunshine on the cloudiest of days. And i get really upset with people that just whine about their lives and about how  their lives suck and they hate school, their friends are the worst, they wanna go home, they wanna move out, they want so much more than they have. 

Its all in your attitude! if you look at a situation with the attitude that its all going down the toilet, and throw in the towel before anything has the chance to happen, i mean, what else can happen? You find what you look for. if you look for the suck in a situation, then you'll find the suck. if you look for the smile, and accomplishment, enjoyment in it, then that's exactly what you'll find. 

Lately i've been pretty frustrated with life. and i know its kind of an emotional rollercoaster reading my blog, one minute everything is going great, the next i hate life, and back up again. im lucky nobody's diagnosed me with bipolar disorder yet. but i've decided to finally change my attitude. i mean, im so blessed right now, and i have to keep reminding myself of that. 

I have a wonderful aunt that is willing to house me while i'm on break from school and work and eat her delicious food.

I have amazing friends that will help me out when my car breaks down,

I have a job. and i just scored a second one! 

I am getting an excellent education

i have the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for.

and the most important of them all: I have the Gospel, 

These are pretty big things in my life. and even the smallest things, like getting a letter from a missionary in the mail, can make a whole day that much better! 

I need to stop moping around, feeling sorry for myself about blah blah blah blah blah. none of it matters, not really. As long as i stay focused on the positive, and stick to my own optimistic motto, then everything is gonna turn out ok. 

SUCCESS!!

Definition of SUCCESS

1

obsolete : outcome, result

2

a : degree or measure of succeedingb : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence

3

: one that succeeds

Life is so great right now! I just got a job, and i am finally going to EUROPE!!! (this post is probably gonna be so incredibly stupid and random, because at this moment as im writing, im just SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!)

Life is just back on track for me right now! we can now say that im doing at least four of the things on my goal list that was on my first post. I got a job, im exercising every day, i'm reading my scriptures every day, and....well there was one more but i forgot what it was. 

All my brain can comprehend at this moment of ecstasy is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Im just so blessed. Doing the right things and putting my faith in my Heavenly Father really works! i just needed to trust that everything would work out the way its supposed to. 

(like i said, this is gonna be so inredibly random. just deal with it)

So for Europe, im going with my incredibly awesome, beautiful, bodacious friend and roomie Sabrina, which is in itself gonna make the trip so incredibly fantastic it'll be hard to comprehend. The plane ride will no longer be boring. we have this wonderful talent of staring at people, and with my newly acquired people watching skills, there's no stopping us. and we'll get to take classes and go to Italy, Austria, Germany, France, England, not to mention all the shopping that will be at our fingertips!!

Speaking of shopping, thats not gonna be happening for me for at least a year, if not more. 

see, i have this whole independent thing going on, where i dont like my parents to help me with anything, and since they paid for housing and tuition last year, im making it my responsibility to make them BACK OFF. i need to do all of this on my own. which means, tuition, gas, housing, food. all of it is up to me. which is pretty exciting to me. it gives me the great wonderful feeling of  the all time ultimate freedom. and i know ill be over that feeling once the bills start rolling in, but hey! im seeing the extraordinary in all of this thats mediocre ok? 

So this last week i was working at the Eastern Idaho State Fair, at the Indian Taco Booth, and it was long and hot and i made bank. it was only a week long job but it was so fun!! I made some awesome friends, got my tip jar stolen, and had an awesome week of people watching. believe me, spending 14 hours every day people watching and you learn some magnificent things...

so with this job, which is full time by the way, ill soon have the dough rolling in. well, in being into my savings account. and adding all the 80 plus hours i worked at the fair this last week, theres a pretty good pillow started. im headed in the right direction!

Sabrina and i started doing math the other day when the europe idea first was introduced, and im gonna be lucky to breathe, let alone eat. most likely ill have to pull out a loan for this trip, but ill have everything else paid off and ready to go! 

I really like being independent, making all these big girl decisions with my big girl panties, as Sabrina would put it. I have finally earned those panties, and im pretty proud of myself! 

Bring it on world! 

Ambition

Definition of AMBITION

1

a : an ardent desire for rank, fame, or powerb : desire to achieve a particular end

As a college student, preparing to take on the world, i am constantly bombarded with adults asking me what im gonna do for a living, where i want to go in life, what my plan is for the future. And all i ever have to say to them, every single time, multiple times to the same people, is I DONT KNOW. 

I dont know what i wanna be. i dont know where i wanna go. i dont know how im gonna get there. i dont know, i dont know IDONTKNOW! 

And its frustrating! its killing me. im not one to plan things out, i usually like to go with the flow. but with big plans, like the impending future, i like to have a plan, to know what to expect. its kind of a big deal, knowing what your purpose to life is. so i like to be prepared. and im not. so im kinda terrified. 

I went into college with the intent to go into Nursing. i have done an internship at Mercy Regional Medical Center's Family unit, and i loved it, and i mostly worked with the nursing staff, so thats really what made my mind up. and i was all gung ho about the whole thing. i made a plan to fulfill my goal. get straight a's. go to class every day. talk to the advisor about applying to the program. i was focused. and no one could get me off track.

 and then about the end of second semester, that went all down the tubes. i just decided i didnt really think i could do it. so i gave up. i tried making other plans for my purpose in life. 

and then about 3 weeks after school got out, i decided i was goin for Nursing again. and i made another plan. get all the prereq's done. get my gpa up. get back on the horse. and i was excited!

and now, you probably guessed it, im not sure again. AGAIN. its driving me insane. im lost, and going in circles. 

so the next time someone asks me what i wanna do with my life, im gonna tell them this. 

I want to be an artist, an architect, an art curator, a nurse, a MOM (always and foremost), a cosmetician, a designer, a chef, an interior designer, a professional food taster, a cake decorator, owner of a restaurant...or a bakery.....or maybe a coffee shop, turned into a hot chocolate shop.... 

Maybe i should look at this indecision and insecurity as a blessing. a gift of sorts. i know that i want to do something great, and i know that i wont settle for anything that i wont love. so i have the ambition, the drive to get it done. its just that i dont know where to aim it. 

so the blessing is that i could take it all, and do whatever i want with it. WHATEVER  i want.  

i could go to europe, blow all my money, and get stuck there figuring out my life. that would be a beautiful place to be a mess in....

Trepidation

trepidation

 noun

:the emotion experienced in the presence or threat of danger

So this week, i am employed by an Indian Taco Booth at the Eastern Idaho State Fair. Today, being Monday Sept. 5, i started work at 10 am, and left the booth to go home at 11 pm. a 13 hour shift of standing all day, yelling and talking full time. Its exhausting to say the least. but hey, i'm glad for the employment. at this point, i need all the work and money i can get. But this is all beside the point. 

As i was leaving the fairgrounds tonight, alone, armed with pepper spray in hand, i was caught walking behind a nice family of 5, and in front of some very rough looking girls, with language to match their baggy jeans, bandanas and very big and tall t shirts. if any one of them had looked at me cross eyed i probably would have peed my pants right there. i guess its a good thing they were behind me then.... 

Actually i like to think that i would give my own good effort if ever i were caught in a position where someone would want to fight me, but if im honest with myself, im never very good at confrontation. with my parents, i just cry if i get angry enough, and in a fight, that would be embarrassing. i am just bothered to no end if i know someone has a problem with me. I dont really care what people think, but i like people to be ok with me...if that makes any sense. 

Sorry, i keep digressing from my story. I just want to set up and explain myself and how i feel before the event comes to light. 

About halfway back to my car (which, of course, is parked 13 blocks away from the fair), the rough and tough girls behind me start running across the street, cussing a up a storm. They were running towards an almost empty parking lot across the street. 

From my point of view, for about 2 seconds of the time where i didnt really understand what was going on, i saw three people in the parking lot already, and it looked like a girl that had been running had accidentally tripped over herself and landed on her face. so in my head i started laughing and saying to myself, Oh that sucks! because i've done it to myself SO MANY TIMES that for once, it was refreshing to see it happen to somebody else, and to see how stupid i look when it happens. sorry, again, digression. 

So the girl was on the ground, and for another 2 seconds of not understanding what was happening, i saw a tall figure, a boy i figured, because he was big, bend down and try to help her up, but she just fell down again. And then the group of girls that had been behind me finally reached the parking lot and the other group of people where the girl was on the ground. and the group of girls started yelling at the guy. 

then it hit me. 

or rather, HE had been hitting HER! the girl on the ground. the boy, had been hitting and beating up on the girl on the ground! and when i say beating, i mean, dragging her around, throwing her, hitting her, pulling and...just...BEATING. 

i know what youre thinking. WHAT? 

amid all the yelling and cursing and boy beating girl scene, i could only stand and stare with my mouth open, staring across the street. for how loud the other group was yelling at the boy to stop, i noticed not one of them stepped in to help her. which kinda sucks for the girl. 

The dad of the family in front of me started across the street and starting yelling at everybody telling them the police were coming. and that about took care of the whole thing. 

But are you kidding me? what kind of coward does it take for a boy to start beating on a girl? which was half his size i might add. she had no chance. WHO DOES THAT?! It just bothered me so much. 

My safety bubble i usually have around me, kind of a naivity i guess you could call it, saying that that stuff doesnt really happen, only on tv and in books, that whole bubble was popped which a big gigantic needle called reality. I drove home in shock. and by shock, i mean questioning every set of lights, everybody on the side of the road wondering if they were gonna swerve in front of me, or step out and pull me out of my car and kill me. 

I have been scared before, but this was a different kind of scared. i was threatened, and nothing was really happening to me. and that might seem pathetic to you, but thats how i experienced the whole situation. My safety was threatened by reality and the sin of the world. 

Satan is everywhere, influencing everybody, encouraging hatred, encouraging boys to beat up on girls. and its terrifying. its absolutely horrible what this world is coming to. and sooner or later, we're all gonna have to answer to what has happened. 

Thats the end of my rant and random inputs, but im just grateful that i have so far been fortunate not to personally experience the kind of wickedness that that girl experienced. if a guy ever treated me like that, i would be scarred for life, and i probably wouldnt be the only one leaving hurt.